ERICA GOLDSON: Graduation speech
i think about this literally all the fucking time and it makes me angry. it makes me so angry because i seriously have zero useful and/or creative talents that make me stand out because i have been cramming my brain and head with facts that sometimes i don’t even have any use for, just to stay at the top of my class. the only thing i excel in is math and i can’t expand my mind in math.i can’t explore and discover new things in fucking math. it’s all done. the equations and numerals are already there for me to spit back out onto the page. i can’t draw, sing, dance, play an instrument. i have no creativity or imagination. i just mimic. and i am fucking angry because i want my childhood back. i want my old self back. i have grown up with the ability to do whatever the fuck anyone tells me to do. that’s it. nothing else. my creativity has been suppressed by school. all the essays and lab reports and homework. the endless nights of stress. i have been told by my peers, my teachers, my parents, my siblings — that school was a priority. i had to focus, focus, focus on school, nothing else.
nobody told me it would shrink my brain and force me to conform to society. because of school, i have no interests in anything. i don’t have a passion for an art or a subject or a hobby that could have possibly helped my future. i’ve lost it all and i’ve lost the chance to discover what i am good at. i find everything mediocre because the definition of working for something has been lost to me. even if it’s for something i love, because the prospect of the word has lost its appeal to me. since day one, i’ve been working day and night for that A. i’ve been working all hours for the awards and certificates. i have been working my ass for something that i don’t even care for. so “working hard” is not something i want to start to find a new talent, or passion because i’m afraid that it will be a waste of time. and why would it be a waste of time, you ask? because i could be using that time to get educated. yes, that’s right. despite my complete hatred for the school’s education system, i have been programmed since childhood to believe that i need it. i need it to be successful, to thrive in this world and society.
and now it’s too late. i’m almost graduating and i have no talents and nothing i love. so what am i supposed to have as a career choice? what am i going to major in? everyone’s asking me as if i know the answer. how am i supposed to know? i’m still just a kid. i’d rather die then live on to do something i hate for the rest of my life. but i can’t travel the world and expand my horizons without any money to spend. i can’t jump from major to major, trying to figure out what i like best. i only have one shot and everyone’s yelling at me to get it right.
if there’s anything i wish, i wish i didn’t spend all my days trying to be top of my class. i would have been just fine as an average student. a mediocre student still goes on to be successful; they don’t rot in the sewers. i feel like it doesn’t even matter what place you’re at in your graduating class. you still have to work as hard as everyone else in the long run, and sure it MIGHT help you find a job later on, but then again, there has been times when it hasn’t. but now, i have to continue to be top of my class because that’s my what i’m known for and that. is. now. my. only. talent.
i am “smart.” i know the information being taught. lucky me.
i have unknowingly been waiting for this post all my life because it is legitimately everything i’ve been thinking for so long
If you can’t find a way to be creative with math, you haven’t done enough of it.